It’s not what we are like, it is what we like.

“It’s not you, it’s me.” I feel like all of us have heard that phrase at some point, either verbatim, or using different language but with the same sense behind it. Whether it comes from someone you had been sleeping with for years, or from someone who you only hooked up with the night before, it really doesn’t matter. The phrase sums up that they don’t want to see you again, and that will never be something that we want to hear from another person. We take it personally, it hurts.

When we first got together with that person, or get together with anyone for that matter, we think that we connect with the person because of who they are, because of the person that they are matches the person that we are. In this article, I would like to argue that this is simply not true. I will argue that it is more about what we like, than what we are like.

A short disclaimer:

This applies to everyone, regardless of the nature of the relationship. Whether you were getting together with someone for a long term monogamous relationship, or you were looking for a one time hook up, the same applies. That you became fuck buddies or friends with benefits does not matter, the seduction still happened on the same basis.

We learn who the person is through what they have done

As humans, we are storytellers. We learn all about people through the stories that they tell of their life. What they did, when they did it, how they reacted in certain situations. When they did or did not do certain things. We communicate through stories.

We look for similarities or shared ground

We are looking for someone that shares the same value system as us. For example, if you are looking for a long-term relationship and they are looking for a fuck buddy, there is no shared ground. You want different things. In our search for commonalities, we quickly latch on to things that the other person likes.

Shared likes

There is a moment when you realise that the person likes the same music as you. You have found a shared point of conversation. If you watched the same television as a kid, even better! You now are talking about the same things from your memories of youth. This is where people connect when they first hook up, this is where the foundation for a friends with benefits set up begins. Not what you are like, but what you like. If you liked the same things, there is instant connection.

I think that partnerships last because of what you are like, but hookups happen when you find you lik