The moment more then one person is involved in a polyamorous relationship is the moment problems that you never thought could exist crop up. As there are no doubt more then a few users on this site that may be in polyamorous relationships, we thought we’d list 4 of the most common problems that happen and how to avoid them.
Problem 1 – Making Assumptions
We’re only human. We all make assumptions about each other even though we know we shouldn’t. However in a poly relationship, making an assumption about a partner can earn you a one way ticket to hell. Typical consequences include; jealous behaviour, loss of trust, no or bad sex
Solution
Don’t make assumptions. Be clear at the start about what you expect from your partners and what your partners expect from you.
Problem 2 – Don’t ignore consequences…even the unintended ones
Cause and effect is one of the oldest scientific theorems on the planet. Every action has a reaction especially in a poly relationship. Everything you do can and does affect the partners in your relationship. Ignoring the consequences of sleeping with someone new without telling existing partners in your relationship can lead to the end of those relationships. If you operate a veto rule in your relationships understand that if one partner falls in love with someone new but you choose to veto that new person, you could be seriously hurting that partner even if you don’t mean to. Don’t ignore the reaction to your actions!
Solution
Be aware of the consequences and think things through before you make any decisions that could affect your relationships. Don’t ignore the reactions. Learn to anticipate them.
Problem 3 – Getting involved in a polyamorous relationship with a couple who are unclear on whether or not they’re in one
People new to polyamory often start talking about it as if they know everything. They don’t. Even people who are in long term poly relationships encounter definition problems on occasion. If you meet a new couple who are very clearly on different pages to yours but want you to get involved with them, you’re opening yourself up to a world of hurt.
Solution
Trust you gut feeling – if it feels wrong, it probably is. Withdraw, BEFORE your heart gets broken.
Problem 4 – Micromanaging feelings
Everyone is different. The moment you try to control the extent to which another partner becomes emotionally involved with someone else, is the moment you lose. Emotions aren’t an exact science and can’t be treated as a controlled laboratory experiment. Even if you feel threatened by your partners becoming emotionally involved with someone else, the worst way to deal with it is to try and control their feelings. It doesn’t work. It never had. It never will.
Solution
If you feel threatened by a new partner, talk about it with your existing partners. Be honest about how you feel and that you’re worried about whatever insecurity is plaguing your mind. Be honest with yourself about this and you’ll find the problems quickly resolve themselves one way or another.
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